Online, everyone is a flower, but everyone needs to be a gardener too: Rethinking digital wellbeing with young people

It was a real privilege to contribute to the III International Digital Wellbeing Conference in Lisbon. I am deeply grateful to Tito de Morais and Cristiane Miranda for the generous invitation, and to everyone who took part in the discussions. The questions, reflections, and exchanges that followed made it clear that this is not only a timely topic but also one that demands more nuanced and collective thinking.

My talk focused on this global trend of proposals for social media bands aimed at young people. I began with what might seem like a simple question: what happens at 16? What is it about that age that suddenly makes a young person digitally capable? At 15, we worry they are vulnerable and at risk; at 16, we expect them to navigate the same digital environments responsibly. The platforms do not change, the pressures do not disappear, and yet we draw a line that suggests something significant has shifted. In reality, this line often reveals more about our assumptions than about young people’s actual development.

This becomes especially apparent in current debates around social media bans. Increasingly, these policies are framed as protective, based on the idea that less technology will lead to better wellbeing. But young people’s lives today are not divided into online and offline. Their friendships, identities, creativity, and participation unfold across both. When we remove access, we may reduce certain risks, but we may also limit connection, expression, and opportunity.

There is a paradox here that I find difficult to ignore. We say we want young people to become digitally skilled, critical, and creative citizens, yet we restrict access to the very spaces where those skills are developed. It is like trying to teach someone to cross the road without ever allowing them near it, because we also do not trust those who drive on it. But without trust, can we cultivate safe and respectful environments?  

At the same time, these policies are often designed without young people’s meaningful involvement. Their experiences are reduced to data or framed primarily in terms of (perceptions of ) risk, overlooking the ways in which digital spaces also support belonging, learning, and engagement.

In my talk, I invited a shift in perspective by drawing on Honneth’s idea of recognition (also see here). From this perspective, wellbeing is not simply an individual matter but something deeply relational, shaped through our interactions with others. This is where I find the metaphor of the garden particularly helpful. Each young person is a flower, growing within a broader ecosystem, influenced by the conditions around them and by the relationships they form. But they are not only flowers; they are also gardeners, playing an active role in shaping the environment for others. (download leaflet here)

Thinking in this way allows us to move beyond individualising digital wellbeing as a matter of personal responsibility. Instead, it becomes a shared practice. The quality of the “soil” and the “light” matters, as do the relationships that sustain growth. And importantly, it also requires us to deal with the weeds. Harmful dynamics, toxic interactions, and problematic platform governance (I am especially thinking about algorithms here) cannot simply be addressed through blanket bans. They require collective attention, ethical engagement, and a willingness to improve the environments we are all part of.

This is why I emphasised the importance of co-creation. When we work with young people, rather than simply designing solutions for them, we begin to see digital life through their lived experiences. They articulate what wellbeing means in practice, they identify risks adults may overlook, and they suggest solutions grounded in reality. More importantly, this process builds (digital) agency – something we should not only value but encourage. Via co-production, young people move from being positioned as problems to being partners with responsibility for their digital engagement.

Returning to the question I posed at the beginning, the issue is not whether young people should be online before or after 16, because let’s not forget, this is not an issue that affects young people alone. If affects all digital users. Hence, the real question is how we can create support systems as a collective endeavour. Digital capability is not a switch on/off button; it is developed over time through participation, guidance, and experience.

If we are serious about digital wellbeing, we need to move beyond simplistic assumptions and convenient fix solutions such as digital detoxes and screen time control. We need to think collectively, act collaboratively, and recognise that in the digital ecosystem, everyone is both a flower and a gardener. Only then can we begin to create spaces where young people are not simply protected, but genuinely able to flourish.